Thursday, December 16, 2010

The bitter, the sweet

Growing up, I hated my daily dose of cod liver oil.


I would frown as I watch my father pour the liquid. The thick soup would pool and glisten as it sat in the spoon.... 


...waiting to torture my tastebuds. 


The fishy smell, the aspiriny taste, the slimy gooey texture coated my tongue and made me gag. 


Afterwards, I'd always have to kill the aftertaste. 


A mug of fruit punch.


A couple of bites from a chocolate bar. 


A handful of mini-Twizzlers. 


The sweetness would soak my mouth and make me forget about the past nastiness. 


This week was like that. 


At the beginning of the seven days, a moment in a slice of a minute bothered me.


Bothered me to a point where it shifted my mood. My usual placid self felt stretched. 


My mind became a jungle of threads, each thought a different colored cord that curled and tangled. 


That night, I opened my mouth to pray but couldn't say a word. 


I didn't know what to say. 


I just knew the heavy sick unsure feeling that I was sitting in.


Yet it's so amazing how God answers those prayers you never even speak. 


In the center of the week, a good friend poured some things into me that truly caused a lift. 


Sprinkles of sugar crystals


"You're beautiful."


Pearls of caramel and chocolate. 


"You're cool and comfortable."


A dollop of buttercream frosting. 


"And I mean it."


His words made me smile and marvel at how God could know exactly what I needed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

BFF (Part 2)

The sunlight stung my eyes as I gazed off in the distance, hoping to see Ebony's car. 

She's coming. 

We haven't seen each other in a while so she has to come. 

We can never seem to meet up anymore. 

I hope we can become close again.

I hope she's coming

Ebony had been my best friend for the past two years. Our friendship was intense. During that time, we leaned on and stuck with each other through much turmoil.

Cheating boyfriends. 

Hospital emergency rooms. 

Failed midterm exams. 

Divorce.  

But, through one event, we were peeled away from each other. It was just for a little while, and I thought we could easily pick up where we left off. 

But when a season ends, there is nothing to pick up. 

In every relationship, in every friendship, people grow and mature and change. 

New interests are developed. 

Perspectives are broadened. 

Backbones are strengthened. 

Sharp tongues are made tender. 

And sometimes that old friendship becomes too small, too big, too too for the new you. 

Maybe that's why God escorts friends in and out of our lives by durations. A person placed in your space to enrich and enhance your life but for a period of time.

Some for a lifetime. 

Some for a half-decade. 

A few friendships are made to last while others are meant to survive for a moment. 

The more I waited though, the more I realized that my moment with Ebony was ending. 
I rocked back and forth on my toes, curling my upper lip to block the pending tears. 

And it worked...until my phone rang. 

"Can't make it....Sorry, maybe another time."
Another time never came.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Lava Lamp


My friend Amy let out a soft sigh as she swallowed her last spoonful of chicken noodle soup. We were eating lunch on a patio, leisurely sharing updates on our lives. It was Amy's turn at the mic, and she had just finished vocalizing a new development with a former boyfriend. 

She plopped her now empty spoon on the table and said,

"I hate him." 

"No, you don't." I soothed. "You hate the situation."

Amy closed her eyes for a moment and let her lips curl into a frown. "I hate this feeling."

I hate it, too.  

That tremble you feel when what was in harmony is now in discord. 

When desires...

....and fears....

...and emotion...

....melt from a solid foundation and ooze down our throats to bob.......up

                                                                                         .....and down.....

like a lava lamp. 

Elements of yourself floating back and forth in different directions...

...and in separate paths...

...but never together. 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

B'day

I tend to get pensive around this time of year. 


My birthday.


The change in age makes me think...


praise...


wonder...


anticipate...


reflect...


In the 9,499 days since I've been living, I 


...survived a death sentence predicted at birth.

....created a clothing catalog made up of designs modeled by Betty and Veronica

....began a lifelong love affair with a not-so-secret vice.

....sprayed myself with mace.

....learned the essential arts of tongue rolling, gum popping, and eyebrow arching. 


....skipped class.

....held a guy's hand.

....got the hang of stepping


...contributed to a 401K.

...made friends.

...helped friends.

...lost friends.

...buried friends.

...had my heart crushed.

...had my heart warmed.

...gave birth to dreams.

....suffocated fears. 

...made others proud.

...made myself proud.

...learned to love myself...

fancy myself

adore myself

cherish myself


I read over the past 9,499 life pages with no regret. 


Looking forward with faith and no fear. 

Monday, September 6, 2010

BFF (Part 1)

It was happening again.

To my right stood Wanda, loudly voicing her displeasure, her nape length ponytail wagging with every word. To my left was Charlotte. Her jelly bean-colored barrettes were clamped over her braids and were as frozen as the frown on her face.

And in the middle was me, trying to figure out how not to take sides…again.

At 9 years old, I was getting my first taste of a relationship where one rules over all, a dysfunctional friendship.

The three of us enjoyed being together. Playing jump rope on the playground. Eating Ellio’s frozen pizza in the school cafeteria. Talking excitedly about the newest toys in the Toys “R” Us Sunday circular.

But eventually, there were times when one of us would do something that would completely disrupt the peace.

Wanda’s peace. 

Maybe we didn’t see Michael Jackson’s latest video. Maybe we had spearmint lip balm while she had cherry. Maybe it was because we didn’t wait for her after lunch. Maybe we liked Pepsi instead of Dr. Pepper.

Whatever the reason, Wanda would complain and usually Charlotte would counter back, resulting in a rip in our friendship blanket.

I would try not to take sides…but I would always end up taking hers.

During recess, I’d walk along the length of the playground with Wanda, half-listening as she complained about Charlotte’s latest act of insubordination. I’d scan the concrete for Charlotte and would finally spot her, playing happily, oblivious to the invisible friction that was rubbing me raw.

But then, as Charlotte probably figured, Wanda got over it. The rip was mended and all was well again.

Until next time.

We were 9-year-old girls who eventually grew into 20-something women and outgrew such things.

But thinking back made me wonder:

What type of friendship can survive when one friend is being held hostage?

Where one friend can’t be free?

A muzzle when you speak?

Pushing your actions through a sieve?

Filtering your desires and your fears?

How can something so essential as being bare, being yourself before a friend launch an assault of insults?

A refusal of attention?

The disintegration of a friendship?

Or was it a friendship to begin with?

Mask

Recently, I met up with a good friend who I hadn't seen in a while. Over plates of crispy fried chicken and serenaded by a classic R & B mixtape, Beth filled me in on the parts of her life I missed: Weddings, births, school, the whole ball of wax. 


While I scrolled through her digital camera of captured moments, I paused at a picture of her nephew with his mother. She beamed as I marveled at how fast he grew. But when I asked about his mother's relationship with Beth's brother, she sighed. 


 "I think they moved too fast. By the time the baby came, he was trying to figure out if he even liked her at all. "
Strong words. 


True words. 


Sometimes, you can get so caught up with a pretty face and a seductive smile, thinking that such a person is going to be a tremendous addition to your heart. 


But though they look good...


though they smell good...


though they feel good...


when all that is gone, will I still like them? 


 Is there more to our relationship than what feels good to my senses?


Get clear eyes. Lust can be a consummate mask.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Throwing stones

It's painful to watch.

Hurts to listen to.

Troubling to read.

Smooth gray pebbles of verdicts. 

Crumbly mud balls filled with disdain.

Jagged caustic boulders thrown...

hurled...

tossed.....

targeted...

at her

There are many sides, perspectives, and truths to the Fantasia Barrino situation, facets that are unknown to most. But the lack of complete knowledge hasn't stopped people from making absolute judgments and statements about everything involving her.  

Her lack of morals.

Her talent.

Her beauty. 

Herself. 


But the truth is we all have

Leave the rocks on the ground where they belong. 
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"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa