Tied

Evelyn was quiet for a moment.

I could tell she was mentally digging into her past, brushing off old encounters. 

And I could see memories lining her eyes. 

I saw pain pad her cheeks.

And I felt the icy sick atmosphere of regret fill the room as she exhaled. 

"I'm telling you this because I've been there."

Her voice wasn't soaked with her normal sunshined wisdom. 

It was coated with solemn experience. 

"Sex is not as simple as people want to believe it is." 

In her younger days, Evelyn was far from loose. With candied yam colored skin and wide soulful eyes, she had no trouble getting attached.

But when it came to men, she was understandably discriminating. She didn't have dreams of cavalier casanovas or l'amour de la journée. 

She wanted longevity, permanence. 

Someone whose heart for God and His will would be identical to hers. 

So she dated. 

Entertained a select few here. 

Dined with a select few there. 

Yet none of them captivated her. 

Until he came. 

And she fell. 

Hard. 

His tenor timbre tickled and dripped down her fingertips. 

His rugged swagger warmed her belly. 

His company soothed her heart. 

His very being was like moonshine. 

Intoxicating her past the point where control was an option and concern was a choice. 

Her grip was lost.

And a willing spirit lay defeated. 

But all remained well until things went south. 

The man exited.

And Evelyn was single again...but not really. 

She explained, 

"Physical intimacy is not just physical. It took me years to get over him because I was literally still tied to him. I could feel him even if he was miles away. He could even feel when I was upset. 

That is why God didn't design us to do this carefreely. It was created with a lifelong bond in mind. 

Spirits become wrapped together.

Yours with his. His with yours."

My soul tied to another's. A knot that can't easily be undone. 


Another lesson that's making me think. 

Mask

Recently, I met up with a good friend who I hadn't seen in a while. Over plates of crispy fried chicken and serenaded by a classic R & B mixtape, Beth filled me in on the parts of her life I missed: Weddings, births, school, the whole ball of wax. 


While I scrolled through her digital camera of captured moments, I paused at a picture of her nephew with his mother. She beamed as I marveled at how fast he grew. But when I asked about his mother's relationship with Beth's brother, she sighed. 

 "I think they moved too fast. By the time the baby came, he was trying to figure out if he even liked her at all. "

Strong words. 


True words. 


Sometimes, you can get so caught up with a pretty face and a seductive smile, thinking that such a person is going to be a tremendous addition to your heart. 


But though they look good...


though they smell good...


though they feel good...


when all that is gone, will I still like them? 


 Is there more to our relationship than what feels good to my senses?


Get clear eyes. Lust can be a consummate mask.

Change

Whatever they were talking about had to be good. I heard Amy's spirited alto and Bernard's stubborn tenor going back and forth like a game of tennis.  As I got closer to Bernard's desk, I heard, 

"It has to be a certain grade, a certain type."

He wasn't talking about meat. He wasn't talking about a car. He was talking about hair. 

"He doesn't date girls with natural hair," explained Amy, her voice coated in disbelief. 


"No, it's not that," Bernard countered quickly. "But if it's the dry coarse kind, then they have to straighten it." 


His statement made me think.


 I wondered how many gorgeous and wonderful women he passed over because their hair coiled too much. 


I wondered how many of his girlfriends had hot combed their kinks into flat strands.  


And I really wondered, 

How much of yourself should you

modify

alter

 change

 add

 subtract

  for someone else?

Physical appearance is inarguably one of the strongest factors in attraction. Both men and women savor pieces of eye candy that walk into their lines of sight. But I wonder how much of what we do to change our looks is for ourselves.


Is it more to catch eyes....?


Is it more to keep eyes....?  


Even our personalities can be affected by what our significant other thinks. Audacity is carved into meekness. Thoughtfulness is sharpened into selfishness. What's loud becomes soft. What's low becomes high. 

Soon, who you were is gone. 

Relationships can be catalysts for change. But sometimes, they can refashion a person into someone altogether new. 


Not better. 


Not worse. 


But different. 

Be sure that you can live with the difference. 


When the relationship is over, you'll still have to live with you. 

In the dark

Growing up, I was afraid of the dark. I hated going into a room that was coated in blackness and especially falling asleep in a lightless bedroom. Things looked so much scarier shrouded in shadows. A pile of clothes transforms into a dripping monster. A teddy bear looks like a gross alien. Without light, everything is


fuzzy...


obscured...


deformed...


abnormal....


not true to form...


When my imagination got too much for me to take, I would jet to turn on a lamp, a nightlight, the ceiling light,  or in moments of deep terror, all three. Visibility would flood in and I would be calm again. I would climb back into bed and sleep soundly, assured that no scary threats could hide in the light. 


How do you flip on the light switch in a relationship that grew in the dark?


Two of my friends are in secret relationships, romances that are, for the time being, kept hidden. Their reasons for it are valid: 


Age differences. 


Outside parties being attracted to one partner. 


Wanting the connection to be kept out of the mouths of others. 


But the secrecy is spilling doubt and misgivings into their hearts. One friend expressed, 

"I don't feel like he cares for me."

Another believes that his girlfriend loves him. But, 

"Not the way I need to be loved."

I wonder if the dark is smearing what's true and what's actual into something altogether different. Maybe once the romances are brought into brightness, the curves will turn into angles, the basins will morph into crescendos and what's in limbo will land on earth. 

Lessons

At least once a week, I wander into my coworker Rebecca's office for a teaching session. Over the years, we've grown from coworkers to friendly colleagues to true blue friends. But I'm beginning to believe that God's placed her in my life for an additional purpose: a life coach. Maybe it's because I mirror herself at my age. Or because I'm admittedly tender in a lot of the ways of the world. Whatever it is, I've scribbled dozens of pages of mental notes from her tales of life experience. 

Lesson #290: A man who cooks is a man you hook. 

For the past couple of months, a temp has been working in our department. James is extremely congenial with a warm smile. It is hard not to notice him: his 6-foot frame towered over most of us and his rich baritone made eardrums tingle. Recently, he nailed a permanent position at another organization. As a farewell present to us, he made an incredible batch of deep dish bread pudding. The cinnamon and raisins and vanilla swam beautifully together and before I knew it, I had swallowed the last bit on my plate. As I stood to go to my desk, I saw Rebecca wiggling her fingers, motioning for me to come into her office.  She lowered her voice and said, 

"And he cooks....!"

James had been another one of Rebecca's dating recommendations that I passed on.  I laughed and headed back to my desk but not before she wagged her finger at me, silently instructing me to take notice. 

Lesson #367: If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. 

Rebecca pulled out this story to teach about not letting bliss blind you. At a different place of employment, she was in a relationship with a fellow coworker. Ty was a dream come true. Besides being handsome, he was kind, taking extra steps to get presents and necessities for her young son.  

They did spend time together in the workplace but used discretion to throw coworkers and supervisors alike off their scent. They spoke via phone after hours, conversing and joking about everything under the sun. Ty was 

attentive and most important to Rebecca, he never pressured or asked her about sex.

But that's what made her alarms go off. 

(The first lesson Rebecca taught me was "Christian or not, if a man doesn't ask, mention or try, something's up.") 

As time went on, she noticed fragments of concern. Phone calls at certain times. Sudden departures. A woman answering his phone. Finally, she prayed and asked God to show her if this man was His man for her. Shortly after, she got a phone call from a friend. Her friend was sitting in a beauty salon and overheard a conversation between a customer and a stylist. The customer had just moved from South Carolina to be closer to her fiance. As the conversation went on, her friend realized that this woman's fiance was Ty. 

So Rebecca got up early the next morning. She took sweet time primping for the day. Dousing herself in more perfume than usual. Brushing on one more coat of mascara. Styling her hair just so. That day when Ty came into her office, her beautifully painted face told him to leave her life. Rebecca recounted everything her friend told her and with each sentence, Ty's face grew more and more stricken in disbelief. He asked her, 

"How did you find out?"

Her response?

"Does it matter?"

It didn't. Ty went back to his fiance and Rebecca went back to her life with one more coin of experience in her treasury. 

Lesson #455: Don't settle. Wait for God's best.

 

 Once, Rebecca was deeply in love with a man named Lawrence. She knew he was no good for her. She knew that he had another woman in his life. But she couldn't shake him. His presence lived with her and it seemed there was no way she would ever get over him. One day, she spoke to a older coworker about her dilemma. When she was done venting about the relationship and her entanglement with Lawrence, her coworker spoke very simply to her:

"Sis, you are in a triangle. And that is not God's best for you." 

The older man took her hands in his and prayed. Prayed for her spirit. Prayed for her future. Prayed for God to cut the thread that tied her so tightly to Lawrence. When Rebecca let go of his hands, she said everything she felt for him left instantly. 

"He fell off me like a change of clothes, 

like dead weight." 

The older man continued to encourage Rebecca, never failing to remind her that God's script for her life included a leading man, someone who will love her the way she should be loved.  

I know my mental notepad will continue to be filled with tidbits of her wisdom. 

----

When she speaks, her words are wise, 

and she gives instructions with kindness.

-Proverbs 31:26

For better, for worse

One morning, I was playing referee as my coworkers Abigail and Rebecca discussed an important topic: which was better, the panache of Denzel or the swagger of Idris.  The debate was abandoned when the conversation funneled into talk about men in general. I listened as the two older women dosed out tidbits about their experiences with the opposite sex. But both Abigail and I stood incredulously as Rebecca told us this story. 


When she was younger, there was a woman in her church who always intrigued her. Grace was beautiful with a head full of silky springs of curls. Every Sunday, she'd leave her seat and walk up to the altar for prayer.


Every Sunday. 


Rebecca wondered what on earth could be troubling her so that she sought prayer every week. So, one day, she asked Grace what was she praying for.


Grace said years ago, her husband, a deacon in the church, left her for another woman. He moved out of their home to a new town with this new romance. Since the day he left, Grace had prayed and prayed for God to bring her husband back to her. 


Some time later, her husband had a stroke that left him unable to care for himself. Grace went to the town he was living in and brought him back to her home so she could care for him. 


Her husband indeed did come back to her. 


Grace probably never thought her husband would break their vows and leave her. But I'm sure he never thought that the woman he cheated on would be the one who so willingly would take care of him in such a state.  


A story like this makes me fervently pray for wisdom when it comes to a mate. A man who has integrity and an ear tuned into the Father but one who is also committed in every sense of the word. 


It's sort of scary. How do you know that the person you've married will truly stick with you when it gets tough? 


This past week, I read an article about a woman who suffered brain damage during the birth of her triplets. Her husband, left to care for the triplets virtually on his own, divorced her two years later, telling her parents that he was ready to "move on." Her parents are currently caring for her and fighting her husband for visitation rights.  While reading this, I thought, "Did she ever think that he would do something like this?" 


It's easy to stay dedicated and true when times are good. 


When paychecks are plentiful.


 When children are innocent. 


When looks are unblemished, bones are strong, and the twister ripping apart the neighbor's house looks like it going to miss yours. But it almost never works like that.  

I definitely pray for wisdom when it comes to heart matters. 

Someone who will dance with me in life's sunshine and get drenched with me in life's rain. 

Someone who won't run when it's hard but stay and fight with me. 

Comfort zone

I wonder when we begin to build our comfort zones, the lanes of our life.  Some design their lanes with a red carpet, blazing lime lights, and velvet ropes fastened on platinum pillars. Some construct theirs with brick walls, a steel roof, and a skinny doorway. Others complete their zones with a rose petal carpet, diaphanous curtains, and a smoky pink haze.

In our individual lives, we handle material that’s familiar. We use formulas that are tried and true and easy. We take the same route in our customized comfort zones because it’s comfortable, we know it already, and it’s safe.

But at some point…

you have to step out

The carefully laid limits in my own comfort zone are being divinely stripped. God has slowly been pushing me out of warm solidity and into unfamiliar realms.


How do I get out of this? I stared at the e-mail and thought. I reread it, blinked, and thought again.  I had been invited to a company luncheon with a handful of other co-workers. It was a free meal with a group of friendly positive people.

And I was scared of going.

A quintessential introvert, the idea of making small talk with colleagues, some of whom I see maybe once a month, made me queasy. What if I embarrass myself? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don’t like me?

But I erased all negative scenarios, gave myself a mental pep talk, and forced myself to accept the invitation. And it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I instantly clicked with my co-worker, Amy, who is quickly becoming a solid link in my chain of friends. Our conversations are always lively, encouraging, and, at times, challenging. Her periodic pushes have garnered great and surprising results, successes that wouldn’t have happened had I played it comfortable. I definitely see how God is using this friendship to perfect me.


Women pin our beauty on various physical elements: body shape, height, skin tone, skin quality, hair style, etc. If any of those elements falls short in our eyes, thoughts of ugliness can quickly swim in and take over.
As I write this, my hair is the shortest it’s ever been. The trim was unexpected and it’s taking some getting used to. Daily, I run my palm against the mini strands as I look in the mirror. I smooth, I brush, I slick, I gloss.
 

But I don’t feel beautiful.

I feel the complete opposite:

 insecure


unattractive


unpretty


However, I’m starting to believe that this is simply a part of the Lord’s plan to destroy the haze of safety I’d been living in. It is not my hair nor my figure nor my complexion that makes me beautiful.

It’s God.

External factors are always subject to change and deterioration. But the Lord’s constant and never-ending internal renovation give me a beauty that glows from the inside out, an aesthetic aura that isn’t visible in a mirror. 

Whenever I take that first step outside my life lane, it’s scary. The ground beneath my soles is unknown and feels quivery, like jelly. But if I just remember that God is ordering every one of my footsteps, including those that lead me out of my comfort zone, the jelly will turn to solid rock.

-
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.”
-Psalm 32:8