For better, for worse

One morning, I was playing referee as my coworkers Abigail and Rebecca discussed an important topic: which was better, the panache of Denzel or the swagger of Idris.  The debate was abandoned when the conversation funneled into talk about men in general. I listened as the two older women dosed out tidbits about their experiences with the opposite sex. But both Abigail and I stood incredulously as Rebecca told us this story. 


When she was younger, there was a woman in her church who always intrigued her. Grace was beautiful with a head full of silky springs of curls. Every Sunday, she'd leave her seat and walk up to the altar for prayer.


Every Sunday. 


Rebecca wondered what on earth could be troubling her so that she sought prayer every week. So, one day, she asked Grace what was she praying for.


Grace said years ago, her husband, a deacon in the church, left her for another woman. He moved out of their home to a new town with this new romance. Since the day he left, Grace had prayed and prayed for God to bring her husband back to her. 


Some time later, her husband had a stroke that left him unable to care for himself. Grace went to the town he was living in and brought him back to her home so she could care for him. 


Her husband indeed did come back to her. 


Grace probably never thought her husband would break their vows and leave her. But I'm sure he never thought that the woman he cheated on would be the one who so willingly would take care of him in such a state.  


A story like this makes me fervently pray for wisdom when it comes to a mate. A man who has integrity and an ear tuned into the Father but one who is also committed in every sense of the word. 


It's sort of scary. How do you know that the person you've married will truly stick with you when it gets tough? 


This past week, I read an article about a woman who suffered brain damage during the birth of her triplets. Her husband, left to care for the triplets virtually on his own, divorced her two years later, telling her parents that he was ready to "move on." Her parents are currently caring for her and fighting her husband for visitation rights.  While reading this, I thought, "Did she ever think that he would do something like this?" 


It's easy to stay dedicated and true when times are good. 


When paychecks are plentiful.


 When children are innocent. 


When looks are unblemished, bones are strong, and the twister ripping apart the neighbor's house looks like it going to miss yours. But it almost never works like that.  

I definitely pray for wisdom when it comes to heart matters. 

Someone who will dance with me in life's sunshine and get drenched with me in life's rain. 

Someone who won't run when it's hard but stay and fight with me. 

Settle down

I had lunch with one of my sisters this past week. While munching on turkey and veggie sandwiches, we chatted about a little bit of everything. One of our conversation tidbits streamed into talk about relationships. While relaying information about a mutual friend's pending marriage, a thought came to me. I said,

We all have our own time schedule. We want to do "this" or "that" by a certain time or certain age. As time draws closer for us to meet our ideal age of marriage, do you think that people start to settle?"

She unequivocally said, "Yes."  


There is a definite sad truth in that statement. Settling or taking less than what you desire or deserve. I don't mean opting for a man who's 5'9 because there aren't any 6'1 men around your neighborhood. But I mean dealing with a mean spirited woman because you feel you have no other option since your looks are gone. Trusting your heart with a unapologetic philanderer because you're 29 and need to start having babies soon. Standing before God at the altar with an irresponsible and immature person because you want to be married and you need it to happen now. 


I definitely wonder about unions that spring out of such backgrounds.  Lately, I've been hooked on a show called "Prison Wives" on the Investigation Discovery channel. The show profiles women (and one man) who married convicted felons. Most of these women have never seen their husbands free and most never will since they are in jail for life, no parole. I admire their dedication to these men but I can't help but imagine what sparked the relationship. Something I sense in all the stories is a lack of self-value. One woman, while recounting how she met her husband, said she had sent him a picture of herself, 

Because I was so beautiful then...

 Another woman who had a slight physical deformity teared up while talking about her husband, saying, 

He was the only man I was with who didn't care about that

I wonder did they feel that they were so unworthy of a well-rounded reciprocal relationship that they went behind prison walls? Did they decide to settle for a man that they will never be able to share a home with because it's better than having no man at all? I wonder at what point in their life schedule did they decide it was time to settle.

There is such danger in that. You may end up missing the person who crosses every one of your "t's", the one that God has designated for you. And why?


All because you feel you "don't" look or act or sound the right way?


All because you didn't wait to wait another 3 years, another month, one more week?


 Why the race? 


The want for marriage is good and comes from God. But so does the when. 


Let's trust God's timing and believe that the beauty He's marked us with is more than our eyes and any mirror can realize. 

Feelings

I think adults underestimate how much children can perceive. 


When I was little, I adored my aunts and uncles, both biological and those who married in.They were like spinoffs of Mommy and Daddy, kinda the same as my parents but more fun. 


There were a few, however, that I always felt uneasy around. It was something intangible that I could never name. The uneasiness and discomfort zoomed in whenever I was around them and it zoomed away whenever they left. In my little mind, I would scold myself for feeling that way. I never voiced any of this to my parents because I felt they wouldn't believe me. I was just a little girl  and it was just a feeling. 


But it wasn't. 


 I was 7 when my aunt Hadassah married my uncle Mac. My aunt is saucy and statuesque with deep brown skin. She has the ability to draw people to her without much effort. He's a burly bearded sand colored man, a former chain smoker. I remember being scared for him every time he laughed because he would always cough violently afterwards. Their common ground must have been their skill at spinning life into joy. Both were consummate jokesters, provoking laughs from any and everyone. 


But after they married,the disquiet in me began. It wasn't that I didn't like my new uncle. But the air around him seemed...less than peaceful, less than healthy. 


Then skeletons tumbled out of the closet. Abuse. Infidelity. Possible mental instability. When I was 10, I wrote in my diary that he hit her. When I was older, I found out that that was the least of it. In one instance, he placed a pillow over her head to try to suffocate her. When I was 19, they separated due to another woman. He's now married to his former mistress. 


I was 8 when my aunt Spiral married my uncle Nick. I saw then that he was colorless. He walks and speaks with a disturbingly passive gait. Attempts to inject humor or life into his conversation were never successfully executed. They didn't fit him. My aunt was especially beautiful with clear caramel skin and a black waterfall of hair that cascaded from her scalp. 


She was gorgeous and exacting.


No one was allowed to wear shoes in the house. When my sister and I would visit them, we were not allowed to drink anything until we finished our dinner. Then we could have a beverage. We  even were not to wear underwear when we slept. I remember doing that reluctantly and looking towards the bedroom door where my uncle had retreated. 


When they married, their wedding was joyless. The smiles, the interactions were tightly performed with no real ease, genuineness, or delight. She gave birth to their only daughter 2 years later. I was 10 and I remember thinking how would she behave as a mother.  


Fast forward to present day where their family is one thrown punch, one lit match, one needle shot away from breaking news. My uncle and aunt have both emotionally left the marriage. They instead race to see who can/will die first. Their daughter, my cousin, seeks solace in deviant behavior that will eventually consume and possibly kill her too. 


All I was was a child with a feeling. I wonder if the adults in my life had those feelings, too. 

Laura's married :)

When I was growing up, the highlight of my week was catching ABC's "TGIF" Friday night line-up. My favorite part was watching nerdy but loyal Steve Urkel pine after the love of his life, Laura Winslow on the sitcom, "Family Matters."  Although Steve's advances of romance were continually spurned by Laura, by the series' end, the two wound up getting married. 


Last month, the actress who played Laura, Kellie Williams, found real life romance. The story brought a smile to my face and made me a little nostalgic for my childhood days in the 90's. I may have to put some "Family Matters" DVDs in my Netflix queue.