Change

Whatever they were talking about had to be good. I heard Amy's spirited alto and Bernard's stubborn tenor going back and forth like a game of tennis.  As I got closer to Bernard's desk, I heard, 

"It has to be a certain grade, a certain type."

He wasn't talking about meat. He wasn't talking about a car. He was talking about hair. 

"He doesn't date girls with natural hair," explained Amy, her voice coated in disbelief. 


"No, it's not that," Bernard countered quickly. "But if it's the dry coarse kind, then they have to straighten it." 


His statement made me think.


 I wondered how many gorgeous and wonderful women he passed over because their hair coiled too much. 


I wondered how many of his girlfriends had hot combed their kinks into flat strands.  


And I really wondered, 

How much of yourself should you

modify

alter

 change

 add

 subtract

  for someone else?

Physical appearance is inarguably one of the strongest factors in attraction. Both men and women savor pieces of eye candy that walk into their lines of sight. But I wonder how much of what we do to change our looks is for ourselves.


Is it more to catch eyes....?


Is it more to keep eyes....?  


Even our personalities can be affected by what our significant other thinks. Audacity is carved into meekness. Thoughtfulness is sharpened into selfishness. What's loud becomes soft. What's low becomes high. 

Soon, who you were is gone. 

Relationships can be catalysts for change. But sometimes, they can refashion a person into someone altogether new. 


Not better. 


Not worse. 


But different. 

Be sure that you can live with the difference. 


When the relationship is over, you'll still have to live with you. 

Pain

As a child, I suffered from severe stomach cramps. My stomach would wrinkle and crunch like an accordion and then stretch out like a rubber band about to pop. The pain would radiate from my belly to my thighs to my belly and then wash all over me, and I would lie motionless in a pool of nausea. 

Besides medicine,  I developed ways to deal with it. Curling up in a ball. Walking back and forth. But most of the time, I would gingerly sit down on our sofa and rock back and forth until the pain fled. In my mind, there could be no feeling worse than this. The stings and bangs and aches of the body were tiers above any other type of damage. 

But then I grew up and experienced pain that I didn't even know existed. 

Bruised feelings. 

Broken hopes. 

A cracked heart. 

I remember one evening where my emotions were in complete disarray. I felt like I was suffocating.  Hurt and sorrow and joylessness were piled, one on top of the other. 

They were crushing me. 

On the phone was my sister, who was trying to lift them. She somehow made sense out of my breathless tear-laced phrases and said, 

"You are emotionally exhausted.

Take a shower and lie down."

 So I did. I laid in my bed with tears sliding down my skin, choking on this pain, praying that relief would come soon. 


I used to think that one was worse than the other. 


Not so.


In all its forms, pain hurts. 

Trust yourself

She released a heavy sigh before she spoke. "I owe you guys an apology."

My co-worker Amy and I listened to her, me stirring my cup of coffee and Amy sipping her water. Both of us with amused expressions on our faces.

"He wasn't what I thought," Rebecca said. "He is arrogant."

We nodded our heads, smiling. "We told you!"

For the past few months, Rebecca had been trying to convince Amy and I to date another employee, Roy. Nearly every week, she would drop barely veiled hints about his attributes and availability. 

One day this past week, my desk phone rang. It was Rebecca.

Your husband is on the floor.

When I asked what she meant, she responded, "You'll see what I mean in a minute." A couple of minutes later, Roy comes by with my paystub.  


Whenever we would dismiss her reasoning, she would counter back, "You guys are going to miss a good thing."


I hadn't gotten a chance to converse with Amy about the whole situation. But I finally got the opportunity when I sat next to her at a company luncheon.


I leaned over to her and said in a hushed tone, "So has Rebecca been talking to you about...?" I trailed off and glanced at Roy, who was standing a few feet away. 


Amy followed my gaze. Her usual look of cool classiness was immediately replaced with pure disgust. "Oh my gosh! I was so insulted when she said that!"


"He is arrogant, am I right?"


"Yes! And with no reason to be! With his messed up hair!"


After the luncheon, both of us decided to pay Rebecca a visit where she apologized. She herself had a morning encounter with Roy that swiftly changed her opinion. I'm not sure what transpired but it must have been serious since there were no remnants of her matchmaking left. 


"He just seemed like such a good guy," Rebecca stated, shaking her head. 


Happy that a date made in hell had been averted, Amy and I walked back to our desks, agreeing to meet for lunch soon. "We gotta come up with strategies so we can get married soon," she said, half-jokingly. It'll be interesting to see what we come up with :). 

Though I trust and often seek Rebecca's wisdom and insight about faith, love, and all areas of life I haven't gotten to yet, I wasn't sure about her accuracy on this one. My gut, heart, and head were not drawn to this man. And it turns out I was right.  Lesson of the day: It's always good to trust yourself.

New you

Yesterday afternoon, I saw a real life Afro. A thick luscious Angela Davis-full, Soul Glo-dewy afro. What made the style unusual is that it was worn by a teenager. He reminded me of a lollipop due to the contrast of the massive hair with his popsicle thin body. One of my friends asked him about his hair and why he chose to grow it so long. He responded nonchalantly and guardedly, with no real interest or joy. When he walked away, my friend decided that he wasn't really interested in growing his hair but...

"he's interested in creating a personality."

There could be some truth to that. Sometimes, when we want to generate new selves, we deviate outwardly. Wearing one earring, risque clothing, ultra long acrylic nails, floor length weaves.


Maybe it's because the change is immediately visible. When I was 13, I began to wear glitter on my eyelids. It was some cheap goo I got from a beauty supply store. The shiny flecks made me itch but I thought I looked gorgeous. Dramatically different.  


Of course, it was just temporary. Gradually, I got tired of the glitter and moved on to the next thing that would "transform" me. 


So glad I know now that internal renovation is not as quick but just as important and more lasting.