Comfort zone

I wonder when we begin to build our comfort zones, the lanes of our life.  Some design their lanes with a red carpet, blazing lime lights, and velvet ropes fastened on platinum pillars. Some construct theirs with brick walls, a steel roof, and a skinny doorway. Others complete their zones with a rose petal carpet, diaphanous curtains, and a smoky pink haze.

In our individual lives, we handle material that’s familiar. We use formulas that are tried and true and easy. We take the same route in our customized comfort zones because it’s comfortable, we know it already, and it’s safe.

But at some point…

you have to step out

The carefully laid limits in my own comfort zone are being divinely stripped. God has slowly been pushing me out of warm solidity and into unfamiliar realms.


How do I get out of this? I stared at the e-mail and thought. I reread it, blinked, and thought again.  I had been invited to a company luncheon with a handful of other co-workers. It was a free meal with a group of friendly positive people.

And I was scared of going.

A quintessential introvert, the idea of making small talk with colleagues, some of whom I see maybe once a month, made me queasy. What if I embarrass myself? What if I say the wrong thing? What if they don’t like me?

But I erased all negative scenarios, gave myself a mental pep talk, and forced myself to accept the invitation. And it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I instantly clicked with my co-worker, Amy, who is quickly becoming a solid link in my chain of friends. Our conversations are always lively, encouraging, and, at times, challenging. Her periodic pushes have garnered great and surprising results, successes that wouldn’t have happened had I played it comfortable. I definitely see how God is using this friendship to perfect me.


Women pin our beauty on various physical elements: body shape, height, skin tone, skin quality, hair style, etc. If any of those elements falls short in our eyes, thoughts of ugliness can quickly swim in and take over.
As I write this, my hair is the shortest it’s ever been. The trim was unexpected and it’s taking some getting used to. Daily, I run my palm against the mini strands as I look in the mirror. I smooth, I brush, I slick, I gloss.
 

But I don’t feel beautiful.

I feel the complete opposite:

 insecure


unattractive


unpretty


However, I’m starting to believe that this is simply a part of the Lord’s plan to destroy the haze of safety I’d been living in. It is not my hair nor my figure nor my complexion that makes me beautiful.

It’s God.

External factors are always subject to change and deterioration. But the Lord’s constant and never-ending internal renovation give me a beauty that glows from the inside out, an aesthetic aura that isn’t visible in a mirror. 

Whenever I take that first step outside my life lane, it’s scary. The ground beneath my soles is unknown and feels quivery, like jelly. But if I just remember that God is ordering every one of my footsteps, including those that lead me out of my comfort zone, the jelly will turn to solid rock.

-
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.”
-Psalm 32:8

God's process

I came across this article this morning. The author chronicles a recent period of sadness in her life. In the latest installment, she relates how reflecting on God's artistry made her fully aware of His care. Read the full article here.

It spoke volumes to me. Life's transitions,as painful and uncomfortable as they may be, are just a part of God's beautifying process.

"God never allows transition without unveiling His beauty. We need only look to the beauty of the seasons He created to be affirmed in this truth. Because we see it year after year, we know that summer's verdant green will become autumn's crimson. We know the crimson must become brown and cracked and ultimately must die. And we know that, thankfully, this isn't the end — that the green will return, that God does promise new life, that beauty in every season never comes without transition. We also can trust that as we experience difficult transitions in our lives, God won't change."

Circles

I have an older sister who wears wisdom like perfume. She dabs it lightly on her collarbone, on her wrists, maybe one last mist before she walks out the door.You're bound to catch a whiff of it if she brushes past you. But only those closest to her get the most potent dose. 

The scent of her most recent spritz is still floating around my senses.

 Recently, I was talking to her about a potential suitor. We were both trying to find silver linings but it was becoming painfully clear that there were none. After we placed him in the "no go" pile, she said something that will stick with me for a long time.

 It was about a toy. 

 I loved to play with my younger cousins when they were babies. Kiss their soft chubby cheeks. Laugh as they tried to repeat after me in their baby accents. I especially liked to watch as they tried to make sense of the brightly colored toys that were stationed in their rooms. There was one toy called the Shape Ball. The ball had openings in the shapes of a triangle, square, circle, star, pentagon, etc. The goal is to match the shape of the opening with the shape of the piece and drop it inside the ball. 

My cousins, being babies, couldn't get the hang of it. They didn't understand that the circle couldn't be placed inside the star opening. The circle with its smooth curves and the sharp angled star slot weren't the same. After a couple of minutes of trying and dotting the air with squeals of frustration, they would pound the circle into the opening until it eventually dropped inside the ball. But it's not supposed to be there.

My sister said sometimes, just like that toy,

we can force a connection with someone who doesn't match us, a person who isn't on our level.

The relationship, from start to finish, isn't fluid; it doesn't fit because it's not supposed to. But...

desperation

infatuation

love

lust

friends

family

fear

rationalization...

...various things can make us bang the bond into looking like it works. When, in actuality,  it doesn't. And you're left living with a circle when you're meant to be with a star.

I don't want to live with a circle.

Settle down

I had lunch with one of my sisters this past week. While munching on turkey and veggie sandwiches, we chatted about a little bit of everything. One of our conversation tidbits streamed into talk about relationships. While relaying information about a mutual friend's pending marriage, a thought came to me. I said,

We all have our own time schedule. We want to do "this" or "that" by a certain time or certain age. As time draws closer for us to meet our ideal age of marriage, do you think that people start to settle?"

She unequivocally said, "Yes."  


There is a definite sad truth in that statement. Settling or taking less than what you desire or deserve. I don't mean opting for a man who's 5'9 because there aren't any 6'1 men around your neighborhood. But I mean dealing with a mean spirited woman because you feel you have no other option since your looks are gone. Trusting your heart with a unapologetic philanderer because you're 29 and need to start having babies soon. Standing before God at the altar with an irresponsible and immature person because you want to be married and you need it to happen now. 


I definitely wonder about unions that spring out of such backgrounds.  Lately, I've been hooked on a show called "Prison Wives" on the Investigation Discovery channel. The show profiles women (and one man) who married convicted felons. Most of these women have never seen their husbands free and most never will since they are in jail for life, no parole. I admire their dedication to these men but I can't help but imagine what sparked the relationship. Something I sense in all the stories is a lack of self-value. One woman, while recounting how she met her husband, said she had sent him a picture of herself, 

Because I was so beautiful then...

 Another woman who had a slight physical deformity teared up while talking about her husband, saying, 

He was the only man I was with who didn't care about that

I wonder did they feel that they were so unworthy of a well-rounded reciprocal relationship that they went behind prison walls? Did they decide to settle for a man that they will never be able to share a home with because it's better than having no man at all? I wonder at what point in their life schedule did they decide it was time to settle.

There is such danger in that. You may end up missing the person who crosses every one of your "t's", the one that God has designated for you. And why?


All because you feel you "don't" look or act or sound the right way?


All because you didn't wait to wait another 3 years, another month, one more week?


 Why the race? 


The want for marriage is good and comes from God. But so does the when. 


Let's trust God's timing and believe that the beauty He's marked us with is more than our eyes and any mirror can realize. 

Trust yourself

She released a heavy sigh before she spoke. "I owe you guys an apology."

My co-worker Amy and I listened to her, me stirring my cup of coffee and Amy sipping her water. Both of us with amused expressions on our faces.

"He wasn't what I thought," Rebecca said. "He is arrogant."

We nodded our heads, smiling. "We told you!"

For the past few months, Rebecca had been trying to convince Amy and I to date another employee, Roy. Nearly every week, she would drop barely veiled hints about his attributes and availability. 

One day this past week, my desk phone rang. It was Rebecca.

Your husband is on the floor.

When I asked what she meant, she responded, "You'll see what I mean in a minute." A couple of minutes later, Roy comes by with my paystub.  


Whenever we would dismiss her reasoning, she would counter back, "You guys are going to miss a good thing."


I hadn't gotten a chance to converse with Amy about the whole situation. But I finally got the opportunity when I sat next to her at a company luncheon.


I leaned over to her and said in a hushed tone, "So has Rebecca been talking to you about...?" I trailed off and glanced at Roy, who was standing a few feet away. 


Amy followed my gaze. Her usual look of cool classiness was immediately replaced with pure disgust. "Oh my gosh! I was so insulted when she said that!"


"He is arrogant, am I right?"


"Yes! And with no reason to be! With his messed up hair!"


After the luncheon, both of us decided to pay Rebecca a visit where she apologized. She herself had a morning encounter with Roy that swiftly changed her opinion. I'm not sure what transpired but it must have been serious since there were no remnants of her matchmaking left. 


"He just seemed like such a good guy," Rebecca stated, shaking her head. 


Happy that a date made in hell had been averted, Amy and I walked back to our desks, agreeing to meet for lunch soon. "We gotta come up with strategies so we can get married soon," she said, half-jokingly. It'll be interesting to see what we come up with :). 

Though I trust and often seek Rebecca's wisdom and insight about faith, love, and all areas of life I haven't gotten to yet, I wasn't sure about her accuracy on this one. My gut, heart, and head were not drawn to this man. And it turns out I was right.  Lesson of the day: It's always good to trust yourself.

Fresh start

Starting over is a beautiful thing. There's something about a blank canvas, a clean sheet of paper, an unblemished day that strikes me and makes me excited. I started off 2010 praying and seeking God for certain things in my life. And already, He's calmed some waves, whispered hope and dropped some pearls into my heart:

-Bishop T.D. Jakes once said,

"We all get early glimpses of our divine place...purpose..destiny."

I was in elementary school when I got mine. Every few weeks or so, we had vocabulary tests where we would have to use that week's set of words in a sentence. I liked this test. I liked thinking of different ways to phrase the word, different situations in which to use the word.  Every time, my teacher would single me out and read my sentences aloud.She was very pleased and said that I made the words "come alive."  I remember feeling self-conscious but also aware that maybe I had something special. 

One of the many fantastic things about God is that He made everyone with a particular fit. Those crunch numbers like potato chips may have been designed to help with financial matters. Others who have an eye for order and structure may blend in perfectly with administrative matters. 

I know I'm meant to write. This year, I plan to do more of it.  

-My earliest perception of love and marriage was a clearly defined one. At ten years old, I had decided that my husband would be black. He would be taller than me. He would be three years older than me, at the most. We would date for 2 years and then be married. We would only have two children, a boy and a girl. Then we would live happily ever after. 

Obviously, as I matured and grew older, my perception changed quite a bit. But I'm starting to realize that love, in all its forms, rarely has a static definition. This first month of 2010 is the most recent reminder of that. 

My little sister is in the infant stages of her first adult romance. She is effervescent and I hear bubbles of joy in her speech whenever she mentions her friend/beau. But in true big sister fashion, I am heavily cautious. Sure, this guy seems all well and good but is he really? Will his past disrupt their possible future? Can she sustain both the sunshine and rain that a relationship can bring? I wanted her to be OK, I want her heart to be OK. But I began to understand that just like beauty, love doesn't look the same for everyone. A relationship with God at the center has no choice but to succeed, no matter what direction it takes.

I also began to understand that sometimes that direction leads out. Her voice thick with tears and sorrow, a friend of mine lamented about her 19-year marriage:

"I don't even want him anymore."

She sounded so tired. Tired of bailing him out, legally and financially. Tired of the embarrassment. Tired of crying. Tired of hiding the strain from their children. She ultimately decided to legally separate and see what leads from there. I knew before that love alone isn't enough to keep a marriage together but I see firsthand that dedication from both is mandatory.

-I was ill last year. High levels of weariness and sadness. Low levels of confidence. My dreams were weak. My joy was depleted. My desires fluctuated between astronomical and minus zero. I was far from well. But, God has given me, like He does with all of us, a large dose of His life-saving medicine:

"My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them,and healing to their whole body."  

-Proverbs 4:20-22 (NLT) 

Praise God that He's blessed me with health and contentment. There's nothing better than hearing God speak to you and keeping His impartations in your heart.


Ready for the rest of 2010 to be written. 

Choose joy

God, once again, shows me how much He rocks. 

One day last week, I was listening to a Fred Hammond song, "Thoughts of Love." The lyrics beautifully illustrate the unfathomable love of God. I let the words saturate me and felt quiet joy flow through me. Because Jesus loves me, I can be happy and satisfied and smile breezily.  

The same way each morning I choose which shoes to wear or which earrings to slip through my earlobes, I can choose my perspective. Slip my arms through it, wrap it around my legs, fasten it around my waist.  My attitude is not determined by the day's events. I select it and wrap myself in it. I determine whether or not it will remain unchanged. And I decided that I can and will choose joy. 

But it's funny how revelations are so easily forgotten. Last Friday, an unexpected conversation twisted my whole evening. Afterwards, I could literally think of nothing else. I was worried, mentally calculating solutions, trying on results and frowning at the possibilities. The frustration of not knowing what to do and being fearful of all the results made me teary and angry. I fell asleep with the tears spilling onto my pillow.  But the conversation followed me there. I had dreams about it and I woke up exhausted and tight. 

At the start of this new week,  Jesus cleared my head via a Sunday morning sermon. I can be "careless in the care of God and know that my Father is taking care of it. And because He is and He loves me, I will choose joy. 

Thank You Lord (for the millionth time :)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

-Matthew 6:25-34 (The Message)