Circles

I have an older sister who wears wisdom like perfume. She dabs it lightly on her collarbone, on her wrists, maybe one last mist before she walks out the door.You're bound to catch a whiff of it if she brushes past you. But only those closest to her get the most potent dose. 

The scent of her most recent spritz is still floating around my senses.

 Recently, I was talking to her about a potential suitor. We were both trying to find silver linings but it was becoming painfully clear that there were none. After we placed him in the "no go" pile, she said something that will stick with me for a long time.

 It was about a toy. 

 I loved to play with my younger cousins when they were babies. Kiss their soft chubby cheeks. Laugh as they tried to repeat after me in their baby accents. I especially liked to watch as they tried to make sense of the brightly colored toys that were stationed in their rooms. There was one toy called the Shape Ball. The ball had openings in the shapes of a triangle, square, circle, star, pentagon, etc. The goal is to match the shape of the opening with the shape of the piece and drop it inside the ball. 

My cousins, being babies, couldn't get the hang of it. They didn't understand that the circle couldn't be placed inside the star opening. The circle with its smooth curves and the sharp angled star slot weren't the same. After a couple of minutes of trying and dotting the air with squeals of frustration, they would pound the circle into the opening until it eventually dropped inside the ball. But it's not supposed to be there.

My sister said sometimes, just like that toy,

we can force a connection with someone who doesn't match us, a person who isn't on our level.

The relationship, from start to finish, isn't fluid; it doesn't fit because it's not supposed to. But...

desperation

infatuation

love

lust

friends

family

fear

rationalization...

...various things can make us bang the bond into looking like it works. When, in actuality,  it doesn't. And you're left living with a circle when you're meant to be with a star.

I don't want to live with a circle.

Settle down

I had lunch with one of my sisters this past week. While munching on turkey and veggie sandwiches, we chatted about a little bit of everything. One of our conversation tidbits streamed into talk about relationships. While relaying information about a mutual friend's pending marriage, a thought came to me. I said,

We all have our own time schedule. We want to do "this" or "that" by a certain time or certain age. As time draws closer for us to meet our ideal age of marriage, do you think that people start to settle?"

She unequivocally said, "Yes."  


There is a definite sad truth in that statement. Settling or taking less than what you desire or deserve. I don't mean opting for a man who's 5'9 because there aren't any 6'1 men around your neighborhood. But I mean dealing with a mean spirited woman because you feel you have no other option since your looks are gone. Trusting your heart with a unapologetic philanderer because you're 29 and need to start having babies soon. Standing before God at the altar with an irresponsible and immature person because you want to be married and you need it to happen now. 


I definitely wonder about unions that spring out of such backgrounds.  Lately, I've been hooked on a show called "Prison Wives" on the Investigation Discovery channel. The show profiles women (and one man) who married convicted felons. Most of these women have never seen their husbands free and most never will since they are in jail for life, no parole. I admire their dedication to these men but I can't help but imagine what sparked the relationship. Something I sense in all the stories is a lack of self-value. One woman, while recounting how she met her husband, said she had sent him a picture of herself, 

Because I was so beautiful then...

 Another woman who had a slight physical deformity teared up while talking about her husband, saying, 

He was the only man I was with who didn't care about that

I wonder did they feel that they were so unworthy of a well-rounded reciprocal relationship that they went behind prison walls? Did they decide to settle for a man that they will never be able to share a home with because it's better than having no man at all? I wonder at what point in their life schedule did they decide it was time to settle.

There is such danger in that. You may end up missing the person who crosses every one of your "t's", the one that God has designated for you. And why?


All because you feel you "don't" look or act or sound the right way?


All because you didn't wait to wait another 3 years, another month, one more week?


 Why the race? 


The want for marriage is good and comes from God. But so does the when. 


Let's trust God's timing and believe that the beauty He's marked us with is more than our eyes and any mirror can realize. 

Trust yourself

She released a heavy sigh before she spoke. "I owe you guys an apology."

My co-worker Amy and I listened to her, me stirring my cup of coffee and Amy sipping her water. Both of us with amused expressions on our faces.

"He wasn't what I thought," Rebecca said. "He is arrogant."

We nodded our heads, smiling. "We told you!"

For the past few months, Rebecca had been trying to convince Amy and I to date another employee, Roy. Nearly every week, she would drop barely veiled hints about his attributes and availability. 

One day this past week, my desk phone rang. It was Rebecca.

Your husband is on the floor.

When I asked what she meant, she responded, "You'll see what I mean in a minute." A couple of minutes later, Roy comes by with my paystub.  


Whenever we would dismiss her reasoning, she would counter back, "You guys are going to miss a good thing."


I hadn't gotten a chance to converse with Amy about the whole situation. But I finally got the opportunity when I sat next to her at a company luncheon.


I leaned over to her and said in a hushed tone, "So has Rebecca been talking to you about...?" I trailed off and glanced at Roy, who was standing a few feet away. 


Amy followed my gaze. Her usual look of cool classiness was immediately replaced with pure disgust. "Oh my gosh! I was so insulted when she said that!"


"He is arrogant, am I right?"


"Yes! And with no reason to be! With his messed up hair!"


After the luncheon, both of us decided to pay Rebecca a visit where she apologized. She herself had a morning encounter with Roy that swiftly changed her opinion. I'm not sure what transpired but it must have been serious since there were no remnants of her matchmaking left. 


"He just seemed like such a good guy," Rebecca stated, shaking her head. 


Happy that a date made in hell had been averted, Amy and I walked back to our desks, agreeing to meet for lunch soon. "We gotta come up with strategies so we can get married soon," she said, half-jokingly. It'll be interesting to see what we come up with :). 

Though I trust and often seek Rebecca's wisdom and insight about faith, love, and all areas of life I haven't gotten to yet, I wasn't sure about her accuracy on this one. My gut, heart, and head were not drawn to this man. And it turns out I was right.  Lesson of the day: It's always good to trust yourself.

Fresh start

Starting over is a beautiful thing. There's something about a blank canvas, a clean sheet of paper, an unblemished day that strikes me and makes me excited. I started off 2010 praying and seeking God for certain things in my life. And already, He's calmed some waves, whispered hope and dropped some pearls into my heart:

-Bishop T.D. Jakes once said,

"We all get early glimpses of our divine place...purpose..destiny."

I was in elementary school when I got mine. Every few weeks or so, we had vocabulary tests where we would have to use that week's set of words in a sentence. I liked this test. I liked thinking of different ways to phrase the word, different situations in which to use the word.  Every time, my teacher would single me out and read my sentences aloud.She was very pleased and said that I made the words "come alive."  I remember feeling self-conscious but also aware that maybe I had something special. 

One of the many fantastic things about God is that He made everyone with a particular fit. Those crunch numbers like potato chips may have been designed to help with financial matters. Others who have an eye for order and structure may blend in perfectly with administrative matters. 

I know I'm meant to write. This year, I plan to do more of it.  

-My earliest perception of love and marriage was a clearly defined one. At ten years old, I had decided that my husband would be black. He would be taller than me. He would be three years older than me, at the most. We would date for 2 years and then be married. We would only have two children, a boy and a girl. Then we would live happily ever after. 

Obviously, as I matured and grew older, my perception changed quite a bit. But I'm starting to realize that love, in all its forms, rarely has a static definition. This first month of 2010 is the most recent reminder of that. 

My little sister is in the infant stages of her first adult romance. She is effervescent and I hear bubbles of joy in her speech whenever she mentions her friend/beau. But in true big sister fashion, I am heavily cautious. Sure, this guy seems all well and good but is he really? Will his past disrupt their possible future? Can she sustain both the sunshine and rain that a relationship can bring? I wanted her to be OK, I want her heart to be OK. But I began to understand that just like beauty, love doesn't look the same for everyone. A relationship with God at the center has no choice but to succeed, no matter what direction it takes.

I also began to understand that sometimes that direction leads out. Her voice thick with tears and sorrow, a friend of mine lamented about her 19-year marriage:

"I don't even want him anymore."

She sounded so tired. Tired of bailing him out, legally and financially. Tired of the embarrassment. Tired of crying. Tired of hiding the strain from their children. She ultimately decided to legally separate and see what leads from there. I knew before that love alone isn't enough to keep a marriage together but I see firsthand that dedication from both is mandatory.

-I was ill last year. High levels of weariness and sadness. Low levels of confidence. My dreams were weak. My joy was depleted. My desires fluctuated between astronomical and minus zero. I was far from well. But, God has given me, like He does with all of us, a large dose of His life-saving medicine:

"My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them,and healing to their whole body."  

-Proverbs 4:20-22 (NLT) 

Praise God that He's blessed me with health and contentment. There's nothing better than hearing God speak to you and keeping His impartations in your heart.


Ready for the rest of 2010 to be written. 

Choose joy

God, once again, shows me how much He rocks. 

One day last week, I was listening to a Fred Hammond song, "Thoughts of Love." The lyrics beautifully illustrate the unfathomable love of God. I let the words saturate me and felt quiet joy flow through me. Because Jesus loves me, I can be happy and satisfied and smile breezily.  

The same way each morning I choose which shoes to wear or which earrings to slip through my earlobes, I can choose my perspective. Slip my arms through it, wrap it around my legs, fasten it around my waist.  My attitude is not determined by the day's events. I select it and wrap myself in it. I determine whether or not it will remain unchanged. And I decided that I can and will choose joy. 

But it's funny how revelations are so easily forgotten. Last Friday, an unexpected conversation twisted my whole evening. Afterwards, I could literally think of nothing else. I was worried, mentally calculating solutions, trying on results and frowning at the possibilities. The frustration of not knowing what to do and being fearful of all the results made me teary and angry. I fell asleep with the tears spilling onto my pillow.  But the conversation followed me there. I had dreams about it and I woke up exhausted and tight. 

At the start of this new week,  Jesus cleared my head via a Sunday morning sermon. I can be "careless in the care of God and know that my Father is taking care of it. And because He is and He loves me, I will choose joy. 

Thank You Lord (for the millionth time :)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

-Matthew 6:25-34 (The Message)

Feelings

I think adults underestimate how much children can perceive. 


When I was little, I adored my aunts and uncles, both biological and those who married in.They were like spinoffs of Mommy and Daddy, kinda the same as my parents but more fun. 


There were a few, however, that I always felt uneasy around. It was something intangible that I could never name. The uneasiness and discomfort zoomed in whenever I was around them and it zoomed away whenever they left. In my little mind, I would scold myself for feeling that way. I never voiced any of this to my parents because I felt they wouldn't believe me. I was just a little girl  and it was just a feeling. 


But it wasn't. 


 I was 7 when my aunt Hadassah married my uncle Mac. My aunt is saucy and statuesque with deep brown skin. She has the ability to draw people to her without much effort. He's a burly bearded sand colored man, a former chain smoker. I remember being scared for him every time he laughed because he would always cough violently afterwards. Their common ground must have been their skill at spinning life into joy. Both were consummate jokesters, provoking laughs from any and everyone. 


But after they married,the disquiet in me began. It wasn't that I didn't like my new uncle. But the air around him seemed...less than peaceful, less than healthy. 


Then skeletons tumbled out of the closet. Abuse. Infidelity. Possible mental instability. When I was 10, I wrote in my diary that he hit her. When I was older, I found out that that was the least of it. In one instance, he placed a pillow over her head to try to suffocate her. When I was 19, they separated due to another woman. He's now married to his former mistress. 


I was 8 when my aunt Spiral married my uncle Nick. I saw then that he was colorless. He walks and speaks with a disturbingly passive gait. Attempts to inject humor or life into his conversation were never successfully executed. They didn't fit him. My aunt was especially beautiful with clear caramel skin and a black waterfall of hair that cascaded from her scalp. 


She was gorgeous and exacting.


No one was allowed to wear shoes in the house. When my sister and I would visit them, we were not allowed to drink anything until we finished our dinner. Then we could have a beverage. We  even were not to wear underwear when we slept. I remember doing that reluctantly and looking towards the bedroom door where my uncle had retreated. 


When they married, their wedding was joyless. The smiles, the interactions were tightly performed with no real ease, genuineness, or delight. She gave birth to their only daughter 2 years later. I was 10 and I remember thinking how would she behave as a mother.  


Fast forward to present day where their family is one thrown punch, one lit match, one needle shot away from breaking news. My uncle and aunt have both emotionally left the marriage. They instead race to see who can/will die first. Their daughter, my cousin, seeks solace in deviant behavior that will eventually consume and possibly kill her too. 


All I was was a child with a feeling. I wonder if the adults in my life had those feelings, too. 

Thanks but no

"Who?!" The word shot out of my mouth in a high soprano and at bullet speed. 

 "Roy. The guy on the 4th floor." My coworker's eyes danced and her voice rung tenderly. "Don't you think he's cute? You should date him."

I stood there in stunned silence for a second or two. Once I found my voice,  I said something to the effect of "Thanks but no."

While I am single and waiting/looking, Roy didn't show up on my radar for two reasons. 

Reason #1: We work together. Now, I have seen people succeed at turning a fellow employee into a mate. My aunt and uncle actually met at their job and still work together. So did my parents, come to think of it. But for every fairytale work romance, there are five horror stories.

There's also the unique situation of healing heartache. I know my heart better than anyone else except God. And both He and I know that seeing my heartbreaker five days a week would make any emotional bruises heal at a snail's pace. 

Reason #2: He's not my type. I don't expect to find the perfect man but I'd like him to have some of the qualities I'm looking for. I know that he'll come with flaws but hopefully, they'll be flaws I can live with.  Roy comes with one that's a dealbreaker : Arrogance. When I speak with him for a project or task, I get the feeling that he's dumbing down his speech. His head is always held high as if he's wearing an invisible crown. It can be intimidating but I just see it as annoying.

 My matchmaking coworker told me she tried to introduce the Roy possibility to another young single coworker who shut her down...for all my reasons and then some. The matchmaker rattled off a list of reasons of why we should take Roy off the market:

"He's cute."

"He has a gorgeous smile."

"He's cut because he plays soccer. "

I smiled and refused again while walking back to my desk. A short time afterwards, Roy passes by my desk on his way somewhere else. He's wearing a scent that is heavy and sweet and lingers in my space long after he turns the corner. A minute later, my phone rings with an update from the matchmaker:

"And he smells good."

I burst into laughter. While that's a wonderful thing, it's still thanks but no.